Life is busy. Full of craziness. Full of heartache. Just full.
If you know me, you know how busy I stay… busy because I want to be… busy because I need to be. The want has always been there. The need continues from the past couple years.
Lately I’ve been thinking about the past… The mistakes I’ve made. The relationships lost. The heartache. The brokenness. It’s brought me to where I am but it hasn’t been easy and still isn’t. Still. Isn’t. That past re-entered last week (even just for those 2 hours) and has wrecked me. Wrecked. Me. I forgot how much I really missed that person, that friend, that companion. And it’s more the idea of that person than it really is that specific person. They might be the only person who’s ever really gotten me… deep down knew me… And now they act like we are still friends, like we never had that past, like I was never crushed/hurt/broken by them. And I can’t stand it. Maybe that’s why I dwell on it now. With all that we went through, with all that they put me through, with all that I gave up… to act like it never even happened. Ugh.
But I look at where I am. And it far outweighs all of that. But it’s still not easy.
I shy away from close friendships now. I have trouble allowing people that close. I know not everyone is the same as that person but I don’t even want the opportunity to go through it again. I do miss the intimacy of a close friend. The kind you can text/call at all hours. The kind who knows what you’re going through before you even tell them. The kind who knows all your crap and loves you anyhow. The kind who divides your grief and multiplies your joys. I miss it.
And so here I am.
Holy Yoga is going well. Jesus at the Core is going well. School is going well. Fin has healed and is doing well. My Jeep is running well. Life is going well.
I, personally, am just ok.
I’m tired… emotionally, physically, psychologically. I’m fighting a cold/illness right now. I want a day to just lay in bed in my pajamas. But looking at my schedule, it’s not in the near future. Even with Christmas break coming up, I am busy between traveling, events with friends and family, projects to knit and make, paintings to do, classes to teach, a dog to take care of… just busy. Did I mention I’m busy?!? Because I am.
Hope you’re doing well.