Life just is.

Life is busy.  Full of craziness.  Full of heartache.  Just full.  

If you know me, you know how busy I stay… busy because I want to be… busy because I need to be.  The want has always been there.  The need continues from the past couple years.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the past… The mistakes I’ve made.  The relationships lost.  The heartache.  The brokenness.  It’s brought me to where I am but it hasn’t been easy and still isn’t.  Still.  Isn’t.  That past re-entered last week (even just for those 2 hours) and has wrecked me.  Wrecked.  Me.  I forgot how much I really missed that person, that friend, that companion.  And it’s more the idea of that person than it really is that specific person.  They might be the only person who’s ever really gotten me… deep down knew me… And now they act like we are still friends, like we never had that past, like I was never crushed/hurt/broken by them.  And I can’t stand it.  Maybe that’s why I dwell on it now.  With all that we went through, with all that they put me through, with all that I gave up… to act like it never even happened.  Ugh.  

But I look at where I am.  And it far outweighs all of that.  But it’s still not easy.  

I shy away from close friendships now.  I have trouble allowing people that close.  I know not everyone is the same as that person but I don’t even want the opportunity to go through it again.  I do miss the intimacy of a close friend.  The kind you can text/call at all hours.  The kind who knows what you’re going through before you even tell them.  The kind who knows all your crap and loves you anyhow.  The kind who divides your grief and multiplies your joys.  I miss it.

And so here I am.  

Holy Yoga is going well.  Jesus at the Core is going well.  School is going well.  Fin has healed and is doing well.  My Jeep is running well.  Life is going well.  

I, personally, am just ok.  

I’m tired… emotionally, physically, psychologically.  I’m fighting a cold/illness right now.  I want a day to just lay in bed in my pajamas.  But looking at my schedule, it’s not in the near future.  Even with Christmas break coming up, I am busy between traveling, events with friends and family, projects to knit and make, paintings to do, classes to teach, a dog to take care of… just busy.  Did I mention I’m busy?!?  Because I am.  

Hope you’re doing well.


Face to Face

So I should’ve known after dreaming about it 2 nights ago, finding all that stuff from it yesterday, that today it would come… the day I come face to face with my past after 2 years.  I should’ve known it would happen.  I mean, we have 25+ mutual friends still.  Our circles are still close.  I had heard there was a chance tonight that it would happen.  There had been chances before.  But tonight it did. 

I didn’t feel the way I thought I might.  The person in front of me was not that person I knew before.  There was not even a hint of attraction or want or need (thank GOD!!).  I actually felt anger.  I felt regret.  I felt sick.  I felt hurt.  That person I was mourning yesterday when I found all that stuff was definitely dead to me today.  When I looked at them, there was nothing left of that person that reminded me of whom I knew them to be.  There was nothing but the fake show that they put on like we were long lost best friends who had not seen each other in a long time, which is completely opposite of how we had really left things… wishing me dead, I was broken and hurt and full of regret, both of our worlds destroyed.  As they tried to be all buddy-buddy and hug me tonight, I just wanted to throw up, to punch them, to say some words that would hurt them, to ignore them.  But I didn’t.  I felt the power, the life, the light suck right out of me.  Yes, I played along with the game because my friends were around.  But I was cold.  I was empty.  Maybe I was just putting up a wall after the day I had yesterday.  

But I survived.  I still had a good time with my friends.  But they were there.  And now I’m here… dealing with this again.  

I guess this is part of the healing still.  I guess there’s a reason it’s all coming back again.  But it makes me sad that my friend, this person, is soooo not the person I once knew them to be.  But I’m not whom I was either…

I’m now stronger, happier, healthier, and less self-centered and egotistical.  It’s not about the old me anymore… I’m new.  

And I’m rising from those ashes.  


Purging… Hope

So today after school I decided to start organizing my new room and all of the stuff I had moved into it.  And, friends, there was a lot of stuff.  It’s amazing what you accumulate in 3 years.  There were boxes I hadn’t touched since I moved into this house.  I didn’t even know what was in those boxes.  I just knew they were from “before.”  From my past.  And that made me nervous.

But, today I decided to open them.  And, as I went through them, I hit an emotional wall.  Many times.  There was stuff I had forgotten about.  Stuff I wanted to forget about.  Stuff I can’t yet seem to throw away.  Stuff that causes me to re-mourn past relationships.  Stuff that has taken me back.  Stuff that caused me to just sit down and hold.  And now I’m stuck.  I can’t seem to emotionally or mentally get past it.  Over the past 3 years, I had managed to convince myself I have let it go… that I’ve moved on… but as I held those letters, those pictures, that stuff… I was brought right back to it like it was yesterday.  And I can’t let it (or the stuff) go.

Ugh.  (Those are the only words that seem to fit how I’m feeling.)

I know it’s not who I am.  I know it has brought me to where I need to be.  But, to be honest, there are parts of that year that I miss.  And I didn’t realize I missed them until now.  Until looking and holding that stuff.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t touched these boxes in 3 years…

But now I have.

And my heart is heavy.  And I feel the weight of it all.

Tonight in my HY class we reflected on “hope.”  And I get it, I really do.  Because I had been there… the hopelessness… the rock bottom… the darkness.  And found my hope in Jesus.  But it was hard to sit there tonight, being wrecked by my past again this afternoon, and teach on hope.  So many times I felt like I was speaking to me… reading the words off the page but hearing them like someone else was speaking them.

And so I write this out because writing has always been my release.  I haven’t written in a while.  I’ve left this blog sit quiet for the past 4 months.  But I needed to get this out.  I know sleep tonight is going to not be easy.  I know the dreams will come (they actually oddly enough started last night and I should’ve known it would lead to now…).

And so I know He’s got this.  I know my hope is in Him.  I know I’m still mourning and healing and hoping for the future.  And so I trust in Him.  I seek Him.

But I’m struggling.  In this moment.  The “in between” of what was and the hope of what is to come.  It feels like yesterday… and yet so long ago… and I’m brought back to it all today.  The feelings are just different.  It’s not the “want”… it’s not the “need”… it’s a “missing” and so I mourn the loss of that person in my life not the relationship that was had.

So I still need to decide what to do with that box… with that stuff.  I’m not ready to get rid of it, to let it go.  Maybe someday.  But for now I seal it back up for another day, another time.

That’s where I am.  And it exhausts me.


Password Protected…

So maybe you’ve been to my page recently and realized that I’ve password protected a lot of my posts.  Not because they’re bad or have anything in them that I wouldn’t share with most of the world, but because they’re personal and I have decided that I only want to give access to those whom I want knowing my personal life.  I’m tired of getting spam comments and “random stalkers” on the page so I’ve just left the generic stuff open.

I get to see the stats of visitors to my page.  Today I had visitors (some went and tried to read almost all of my posts… like 83 of them or something like that).  I don’t know who it was and I realize that they/you can’t see my posts.  So, if you want to have the password to my posts, just leave your email in the comments box of this post or email/FB me and if I approve you reading my words, then I will email you the password.  If you’re someone I don’t choose to send the password to, then just know it’s not your time to read about my life.  


52 Lists: Week 14

Childhood Dream Jobs…
police officer

Current Dream Jobs:
Full time Holy Yoga instructor
Rev Wellness instructor
Police Officer
SUP board/ SUP yoga instructor


52 Weeks: Week 13

knit leg warmers

knit fingerless gloves

knit jacket/cardigan

paint a series of yoga postures on canvas

make more journals

make essential oils (lavender)

make soap

make candles

learn to make good food (haha…)

playlists for my yoga classes

yoga class flows

lavender garden

photography portfolio

strong friendships

a home where everyone wants to come hang out and are welcome and comfortable


Summer Birthday Friends…


It’s been a summer of birthdays… mine, lots of my family members, and so many of my friends… and they keep coming!

June was my birthday month… and I celebrated… many times.  :)  It’s important to celebrate your birthday.  I was thinking about this as I drove to yoga this morning (as I was texting birthday greetings to a friend).  I know so many people who don’t celebrate their birthdays.  It’s hard for me to imagine not doing it.  I look at celebrating my birthday as not just celebrating the fact I was born, but in recent years, the fact that I chose to continue to live.  {I almost chose not to 3 years ago on my birthday… so now I celebrate the my choice to continue.  To not lose hope.  And to enjoy the life I have before me.}

I celebrate my friends’ birthdays because I am grateful they are in my life… They could’ve easily not crossed my path, not weighed into my life, chose to stay at a distance.  Each of my friends has made an amazing impact on my life.  And for that I am grateful.  And so I celebrate them in gratitude.  I honor their lives, their love, and their friendship when celebrating them.  If the day passed and no one celebrated my birthday, I can’t imagine thinking I meant anything to anyone… And I DON’T want anyone to feel like that!!

And, no, it’s not about presents, but don’t they just make you feel good when someone gives you one.

And even more awesome when you get to give a present to someone.  I do always feel funny giving presents… always worried they won’t like it or want it or that they feel uncomfortable that they didn’t give me one (which is SO NOT why I give presents).  And usually it’s something I’ve made… with them in mind as I made it, which makes giving it to them even more special.  And I’ve come to the conclusion that even if they don’t use it or need it (or want it), the thought, effort, and energy that went into as I made it for them, it is totally worth it.  So if I make a big deal of it being your birthday then know that you mean that much to me!  {I was always taught to make sure people know how much you care for them and appreciate them so what’s not a better time than their birthday!!}

So happy birthday all of my summer birthday friends.  You have blessed my life more than you know.

Fall and Winter birthday friends… I hope you enter into your birthday season in anticipation for celebrating YOU!!


52 Lists: Week 12

A comfy bed

Comfy couches to curl up in (if I fall asleep on your couch or look like I am, then you know I feel like I’m home… it’s my M.O.)

My dog (or my friend’s dogs)


The mountains

Fireplace or bonfire

Art (paintings, photography)

Knitting (or doing other crafts)

Candles or incense burning

Smell of food cooking


Warm breeze

The people… friends, family

Being on my SUP board (paddling or just sitting there floating, silently or talking with friends)

My yoga mat (I don’t really like using other people’s mats unless I have to)

Music (preferably live)

Praying and worshipping (singing)


A good book

A big bowl of soup

A good blanket to curl up in

Good movies

Comfy clothes (yoga pants, a tank top, sweatshirt/hoodie, scarf)


52 Weeks: Essentials

my dog Fin
“me time”
time with friends
serving others
time in nature
good shampoo and conditioner
feeling valued/self-worth
a comfy bed & pillows
hot shower

52 Lists: Cleansing

Week 10: Cleansing (my life)

{My room:}
*put clothes away
*organize HY materials
*take clothes that are too big or I don’t wear to Goodwill/homeless
*throw away papers I no longer need
*organize yarn/knitting stuff

*get into nature more
*get on my yoga mat more
*study/read the Bible more
*let go of people who don’t make me a better person or who don’t encourage me
*spend more time with Fin
*just lay on my SUP board in the middle of the lake
*pray more
*eat better
*run/exercise more
*knit more
*take more photos
*write letters and posts
*be more honest with myself and more transparent to others